Continued from last night...

Just some thoughts.

Trevor and I are getting discouraged. I shared with some individuals last night about our situation, both being unemployed when asked to share somethings that have affected my relationship with God and my faith whether it was good or bad. Something funny about me is that I will write anything on this blog but when asked to share with people in public I lose everything I wanted to say and say something abbreviated that doesn't even encompass all my feelings, good or bad. So here is the rest even though no one will read it. When Trevor first lost his job the thing that resonated with me was a message our pastor did I couldn't remember how long ago prior but summed up it was about ups and downs and for everything you could asked the question "how do you know its good?" or in our case "how do you know its bad" I have been trying with all my might to look at it that way. It's hard for someone like me that is a planner, I plan for things so this situation has caused me to sit for long hours in a daze trying to think of how I, ME, my human and sinful self can fix it or second guessing decisions Trevor and I made to "make our future better." I guess I inherited this from my dad because he does the same thing.
So anyway last spring I was praying that Trevor would finally get the raise he was entitled to, praying for all kinds of things so we could move forward so we could buy a house, start a family etc. We started the process with buying a house, we were under contract and the closing was scheduled for the end of April. It then got moved to July 31 due to title issues. We both were excited about the house, wanted the house but both felt like something was wrong, we both had a weird feeling that it just might not be what we were supposed to do yet or just "not this house." We both didn't find out the other felt that way until after the fact. We started praying and saying "if we are unable to get the house by July 31 then its not meant to be." The beginning of July Trevor was laid off and his last day was scheduled for July 31. I was still employed and if the closing was that day Trevor was technically "still employed" so we could have still gotten it but then the realtor said we were going to have to wait until Oct. to close because the title was still being worked out. So we were out of our contract if we wanted to be and it was pretty clear that this wasn't supposed to happen. 2 Months after that I was laid off. I would think to myself. "God, what are you doing, this wasn't part of the plan, this is not what I prayed for."
So the good things about this whole thing. Trevor and I have gotten much needed rest, we have been able to spend more time with Trevor's family. We have been able to reflect on what we really want, what we want to do and what God might have planned for us. We aren't tied down to anything. We have thought "are we supposed to move somewhere else, wait for jobs here" There are things we have considered that are still up in the air that I've hinted at here and there but until it is final, which it may never be, it is not worth mentioning. Some know what I am talking about and others don't. What's funny is, even though I am a little stressed for obvious reasons, its also the first time in a while I feel peace. It's hard to explain. Probably its the first time in my life I have felt control over nothing so I can't even try to control it. It's a lot of work trying to control your own life. I have been left with no other option but to give it to God which is something I have struggled with my entire life...ask my family, ask Trevor. So as far as financially, you would think we would be out of money, you would think we would be destitute but we are not. While I didn't plan this God did. Trevor and I were saving up money for a house, Trevor and I were paying double payments on his student loans. Trevor and I don't have debt other than that because we refused to get credit cards and live paycheck to paycheck, so we had a surplus in our checking account for emergency purposes. We both were fortunate enough to get unemployment and that covers pretty much all the necessities like bills and groceries give or take. Trevor has been blessed with some side work that has given us a little extra. So all things considered we are doing quite well. We have not touched our savings account, Trevor's loan is paid 2 1/2 years ahead, we went down to 2 cars and were able to help out a friend and give him a car. As far as income vs expenses sometimes after a month we will have less, sometimes we break even and sometimes we have more....I know this doesn't make sense but I know the explanation is God is faithful and he always provides. Seriously, I don't understand how we are doing this well if I were trying to base it on logic. Now if we were unemployed for the rest of our lives we would eventually go broke but that isn't going to happen so after this trial is over in the grand scheme of things I think it will only be a small set back. God has taught us a lot through this and yet we are still trying to figure out what we are supposed to do with this opportunity that we have been given.